


Godspeed

by protectjaebum



Category: GOT7
Genre: 2Jae, Alternate Universe, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Developing Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Pining, Religious Discussion, Slow Burn, bffies jackbum, i can’t write smut but I’ll try, i refuse to make jaebum the angry and unstable one in this fic, jinson, please b nice I’m not good at fictional writing, this is like my second chaptered fic the first one was deleted
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:22:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17255837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectjaebum/pseuds/protectjaebum
Summary: in which jaebum finds out that love hides itself in everything.





	Godspeed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Jaebum’s doormat here. This is the first chapter of my second chaptered fic, it’s been like...2 years since I wrote one so please kind when giving your criticisms I love you. I plan to write more bc I think (whether anyone agrees) that writing fics do build writing skills huehue. Enjoy

After 4 solid hours in one spot it was now safe to say he’s overworking himself. With sore wrists, cramping fingers, and a lack of feeling in his ass, the young boy cursed. “This is hard. This is so fucking hard and you’re never doing this again. You’re gonna work hard at some shitty minimum wage crap space like everyone else does when their parents don’t want them anymore.” he whispered internally, contemplating whether or not to give up on his sudden search for purpose already. Jaebum thought to himself as he fought the cramping and lifted his hand once more. He’d been there all morning watching the day turn over slowly. Every hour he questioned how he got himself into this, why he got himself into this. the world just didn’t seem to work in his favor whether it was family wise or existing wise.

His world was constantly turning on a wobbling axis, full of chaos and misfortune. He never once expected to find joy in anything outside of whatever normal he created in all his different spaces of dysfunction. He most definitely not expect to find joy, personified, across the room and dressed in a robe and the world’s most geriatric acclaimed shoes.

 

The beginning of the end of his world started the summer after graduation. You know that weird time in your life where you get exposed to the true complications of life. Where you realize that growing up gets aggravatingly more noticeable when people trade don’t move too fast! in for you need to be moving faster. all the questions you thought you got your answers to needed new answers. Is this really something I enjoy? Are conspiracy theories really more than that? am I behind or too far ahead? Am I depressed or just lonely? Am I still gay?

 

He didn’t go to college straight out. He used to be afraid he was gonna miss out on some fantastical opportunity only granted when you sacrifice your entire being after high school. That’s what they tell you, that if you don’t make college your only goal in life you were sure to fail. But Jaebum would think of himself as a failure whether or not he ever actually put in any effort into anything anyways. And now, instead of letting high school teacher’s bully him into decisions that would make him even broker than he already is, he was soul searching in a church, amazed to see what joy and love looked like up close. It almost washed away the bitter feeling in his chest when he remembered that this place -- the people that live here, is the very thing that had cursed him to begin with.

 

He got a text that read, “still love you. don’t go do any drugs...without me. xx.” the next message contained an excessive amount of heart emojis.

Double texting and overbearing amounts of affection. The kind of things he only really felt comfortable with when it came from Jackson, because he always knew it was genuine and unconditional.

 

Jackson is his best friend, and platonically speaking, way out of his league. High school was the place where he met Jackson. He was always super friendly and outgoing and at first, it was the scariest thing Jaebum had ever seen. He had newly moved and therefore he was a new student but to Jaebum’s surprise, no one ever treated him like a social outcast because of that. He was a 15 year old beacon of light in Jaebum’s dark world. Extroverted, funny, kind and sweet. Good at everything but always tried to act like he wasn’t aware of that. He would always watch from afar, wondering if he’d ever get the chance to see a dream like Jackson up close. he was bored of seeing the same one everyone else did, he wanted to be friends.

And one day he was blessed with the opportunity to see a Jackson Wang not even his own parents had seen. A tearstained face and the saddest, yet prettiest eyes he had ever witnessed. He felt like an asshole for being fascinated by seeing someone cry.

 

_He sat down on the grass next to the sullen boy and plopped his sketchbook in the empty space between them. Jacks was aware of his presence but didn’t say anything. his fists were clenched and his eyes were diverted to the grass in front of them. Jaebum knew just sitting there was no different from just walking past Jackson but, how was he to comfort the most optimistic boy he’d ever known? so instead he said the first thing that came to his mind._

_“I wanna be you when I grow up.” he said. Jackson’s fist relaxed. he turned to look at Jaebum for what seemed like eternities, and he burst out laughing. That was the first time in an hour Jackson had wholeheartedly laughed and forgot how much his heart stung._

_“Everyone is right, you are a weird art kid.” he said. “People say that about me?” Jaebum replied, wanting to feel offended by Jackson’s statement but not able to get over the lightheartedness in his tone. “Yeah, a lot of people think you’re weird and unapproachable.” Jaebum’s face fell for just a moment, and then Jackson said, “the difference between me and them though, is that I don’t find that to be a bad thing, more so intriguing.” he said._

_“Me? Intriguing? I don’t even talk. Yet you, the dictionary definition of a phenomenon, think I’m intriguing?” Jaebum replied. “Okay one; being popular in high school because of looks and being overbearingly friendly isn’t phenomenal and two: that doesn’t mean anything. Everyone talks. I talk, yet it’s never really anything that important to say. We’re fresh-faced high school kids with no experience in anything that matters to anyone outside of this public hellhole so really, how much of what we talk about really equals up to a true reflection of character? I personally think you’re just dramatic about high school factions. Yeah, one of those ‘I don’t fit into that crowd or me-and-them-seem-too different-from-each-other-to-be-friends’ kind of people.” Jackson ranted. “You wanna know why attract people and have so many friends? I let it be known and be shown that there’s no specific details or qualifications that it takes to be nice to someone and for them to be nice back. If you make yourself a safe place for everyone then everyone attracts to you. Also, it’s funny to see 15 year old, clique-y high school kids try to rope you into their ‘you should hang out with us’ bullshit. Everyone takes themselves too seriously for us to be so young.” the younger boy said._

_Jaebum felt like maybe Jackson had been holding all that in. he was almost too dazed to speak, once again a little charmed by jackson’s humble yet passionate heart. Jaebum knew that popularity was normal, what he’d never seen before was someone so hell bent on not using it for the wrong reasons. It was a fearless action, silently but effectively breaking down people’s social barricades. Jaebum felt silly, for thinking of jackson as a dream of a friend as if he was never just a hello away. “You watch a lot of movies don’t you? You totally have the whole fuck the system attitude going for you. Very rom-com-ish.” he said._

_Jackson stared blankly for a moment before saying “God you seem so much smarter when you aren’t talking mister ‘I wanna be you when I grow up’.” Jackson imitated him with a dopey voice. It made jaebum giggle. He noticed that Jackson had completely unclenched his fists. “Well I’m sorry, as you can see everyone thinks I draw pictures of the dead bodies I have in my basement so I have no friends therefore not many skills in the “cheer up” department either.” he said. It was both nice and kind of depressing how in that moment Jaebum realized that he had no social barrier of his own he needed to break down. No it was everyone else that was barricading him out. “I know…” Jackson paused. “...but you stopped and you came to talk me down anyways.Thank you.” Jackson said. “Now, show me what’s inside that book since your actual words make no sense.”_

Jaebum hadn’t learned why Jackson was crying in the first place but for the time being it didn’t really matter to either of the two boys. Jaebum was still dizzy with the shock of learning that the most fanciful boy on earth thought he was pretty cool too. After the that day in the grass they became friends and found things that were important to talk about and not talk about. They got to know each other through what they exchanged directly and not just what they saw. Jackson was more affectionate and loving than jaebum initially knew and took everything to heart which was so dangerous to him. He could fit the whole world in there. Jackson learned how awkward Jaebum was about those kind of things even though he liked them and unknowingly longed for them. Jackson still, and always would have a lot of friends but there is a special place reserved just for Jaebum in his heart. Among his cloves and clusters of buddies, there was only one person Jackson could call a bestfriend and it was him.  
They didn’t push each other to the limits they were discovering. They had bonded over not agreeing on most things, and not needing to. They avoided the stares from the clique-y people who didn’t understand the bond between a high school phenomenon and well...some kid. Jackson always told him to ignore the tension they tried to create by throwing around their cultish opinions on making friends. “Those people live like highschool never ends.” he said.

They went over each others houses and boy how much Jaebum hated having to apologize on his father’s behalf, before even going inside. His dad was a strict, conservative christian who bullied jaebum worse than any clique-y kid or mean teacher could. Jackson’s parents were nice and gave him hugs and kisses without yelling at him or hitting him first. his mom cooked meals and they ate together while Jackson kept them entertained with common dinner table talk. He ranted and raved about minuscule things and tried to join Jaebum into his dramatics every other sentence, which the older boy didn’t mind. he even spoke about his older brother who moved to australia and how he had missed having someone to share everything with. for a split second jaebum sulked about being an only child.

In so many words, he could clearly see where Jackson had got his sense of life and his heart from. Jaebum really wanted to be him when he grew up. over the summer they spent more of those nights and even felt comfortable sharing less than happy moments with each other. They built trust they pinky swore to never give away. on the first weekend of junior year Jackson came out to Jaebum in the midst of one of their hazy midnight conversations.

_“It’s no big deal really. I just felt like, even if you may have already figured that, it was something important to share with you because well, I share everything with you.” he said. Jaebum nodded and looked into Jackson’s eyes; thinking of all the times they avoided the topics of girls and sex and how the typical male body responds to these things in certain situations. The way their biology teacher would always put it. They aren’t and have never been ‘typical males’. Not to each other and definitely not to anyone else. “Jackson that’s not fair,” Jaebum said in a pseudo angry tone that sent jackson in panic for just a half a second. “You’re way hotter than me, literally every guy I go for is gonna talk to me just for the sake of getting close to you.That is SO unfair.” he sulked._

_“Don’t DO that you asshole, I thought you were gonna say something else!” Jackson said, smacking his arm forcefully. Jaebum did his famous head throwing laugh and leaned back up to stare at Jackson with a smile. “I couldn’t resist I’m sorry.” He said. “ I hope you know even if I wasn’t also a raging homosexual, It wouldn’t have changed the course of this conversation. You’re my best friend Jackson, you can trust me with that.”_

 

Although people started to question it, No they weren’t like; a thing, and Jaebum was happy knowing they’d never be. On the off-chance that they did someday go for it he would just see it as a relationship full of risks, because Jacksons too precious to lose to the complications of feelings. Jaebum knew for sure that he trusted Jackson. with whatever, and that summer after graduation would’ve been what others would call a true test of faith. he still vividly remembers walking down the stairs of his childhood home. Regretting the decision he made almost immediately. It took 3 words to flip everything upside down. He’d been told by his father that he’d been touched by the devil’s hand and how “No child of mine will would go on living as an abomination to mankind, and to god!”

he told himself it was a mutual agreement between them for Jaebum to leave behind the only thing familiar and safe and live in the cold, hopeless arms of independence, and reality; and so he did. He left, never looked back, and tried not to think back either. It would’ve be a lot lonelier without Jackson to bare it with. He’s sure that the presence of Jackson and his friendship is the only blessing the world has ever given to him. Jackson always understood and listened. He never felt like he had to omit any of the truth for the sake of keeping Jackson around. He never felt like there were too many boundaries to be kept when it came to needing each other. They’ve never once left each other hanging in the instance that someone was falling apart; and right now, Jaebum was doing just that.

In Jackson’s arms specifically. The two crowded on the front porch of Jackson’s home. Silence falling over their tense bodies. “What happened Jaebum?” Jackson asked dolefully. Part of him had an idea after seeing Jaebum’s emotional state right now, but he also knew that it was important to hear Jaebum say it. the poor boy couldn’t talk. He wasn’t crying yet but he knew if he started talking he would - and when he finally found the courage to speak, the words barely came out. “I told him and he disowned me.” he said. The tears stung when they fell from his eyes. There was so much conveyed on those few words and jackson could feel his own heart beginning to crack, the familiar feeling of rejection creeping up to nip at him too. He knew those were the only words Jaebum would be able to utter for the time being, and like he always did - Jackson understood. So he took the broken further into his arms and into his home.

 

Over the course of four months that was the only thing Jacks knew of what happened to Jaebum and no further details. And that was fine. Along with Jackson’s understanding came the need to forget. Jaebum needed to forget everything he never told Jackson and make up a new reality in his head. He needed to tell himself that he was acting on his own will and not being discarded like rotten old food. He told himself that his father’s words weren’t directed at him. That his father wasn’t discarding him rather than the growing pile of misfortune built up over the years. Things they never talked about. He told himself that this was the perfect misfortune he needed to finally let go.

 

It took four months for him to forget how much the pain stung. He spent days and nights on Jackson’s living room floor creating a mess of his feelings in art form. He practiced on details and learned how much fun it was mixing mediums. He started trying new styles and techniques and focused on adding overbearingly bright amounts of color. He once had even convinced Jackson to pose naked for him in the midst of their drunken antics. He rarely left the house or did anything outside of his new ordinary. He survived on coffee, poorly made korean food, and the strength of Jackson’s affection. Sometimes, he cried himself to sleep and hoped someone had actually heard him no matter how quiet he tried to be. Jackson was the only company he was willing to keep and it was safe to say that Jaebum was becoming too used to not needing anything else to get by.

To Jackson this was a problem he assisted in creating, by never forcing Jaebum out of isolation and allowing him to punish himself, without even realizing it. He wasn’t forgetting, he was closing up from the outside in and Jacks was watching it happen. It was tearing him apart. He could give jaebum all he has but he didn’t have everything. And he definitely didn’t have what Jaebum needed, which was way more than what jaebum was allowing himself. He started trying to force him, subtly asking for Jaebum to go out to places with him and other friends, bringing up cool art exhibits and telling jaebum about all the best places to take pictures with the kind of old-timey vintage feel jaebum was obsessed with. Things that he knew would’ve sparked jaebum’s interest - happier days ago. He was trying to move him somewhere outside his bubble of melancholy. But it wasn’t working, He was too comfortable with his lack of outer-world interactions and it was driving Jacks to insanity.

 

On the last week of september he finally began to let it all out. He had asked Jaebum if wanted to hang out with him and his friend jinyoung for the night, instead of being home. “It’ll be really fun.” he said. “I’ll pass, I don’t feel like going out.”

Sometimes jackson felt like Jaebum was always giving him a hard time because he knew he could, because he knew, whether he wanted to admit it or not, that his soft spot for his best friend in the whole world never failed to completely overshadow his logic and good judgement. He’s just so loveable and sweet of a kid, a person so many people missed out on knowing. Jackson didn’t miss out and hasn’t since that night in the grass. He felt like right now though, Jaebum was missing out on himself. “Jaebum, you never feel like going out that isn’t exactly an excuse.” Jackson said. “Well if you know that then why ask me if I want to? Just go I’ll be fine here.” he replied. “Because I want you to come with me, not be alone here all by your lonesome...again.” the boy said. “Jackson, I’ll be fine. Go.” he deadpanned.

 

“Ugh, that’s just it, that’s the thing! you won’t. You can tell yourself that being isolated from everyone and everything, including things that make you happy, is good for you but it isn’t! and you won’t be fine just like I know you haven’t been for months. God use your brain Jaebum.” Jacks began to rub his hand back and forth across his forehead in frustration.

 

“Whoa, why the hell are you so adamant about this, are you upset about something? did I do something wrong to you? for christ’s sake I said I’ll be FINE.” he said, which started to aggravate Jackson more. “Yes, you did something wrong. Jaebum you’ve completely given up on everything, do you even realize?” the other yelled. “Oh my- No I haven’t. I just want to be alone Jackson, god don’t be so dramatic.” he replied, noticing his own emotions begin to heighten. And that’s where the tension and fighting kick-started.

 

one things for sure, Jackson hated to be called dramatic when he was showing his care for someone he loves, and he was tired of seeing that very person wallow inside himself. At the same time Jaebum was tired of being emotionally micromanaged by jackson. Their need for each other was turning into a bittersweet shot they took every morning and night. Jackson didn’t want the broken and lonely version of the boy in front of him when he knew there was someone more wonderful outgoing in there hiding; and Jaebum didn’t want the presence of Jackson’s heart if it meant that he was gonna be consistently reminded of the fact that he lived like his life truly held no value. Of course, he didn’t wanna argue and fight with the only peace of mind he’s ever had but he’s stubborn and baby-ish and preferred to make things go his way if life wasn’t gonna do it for him.

 

Later that week the same thing happened again. he argued with Jackson about real self appreciation and recovery from loss and hurt and all this shit about letting go that Jackson made seem as simple as said.

“If you want me gone just say it Jackson. You don’t have to sugarcoat your frustrations, just tell me that you think I’m depressive and a drag. I’m a grown up too you know.” no you aren’t. He thought. Grownups don’t ignore the fact that at this point they’re the only ones destroying their own lives while they live off the stress and hard work of their best friends. “oh please NOW who’s being dramatic? I don’t want you gone, if I wanted that you would’ve been sent away somewhere else crying that night. The point is that I’m tired of seeing you alone and bullying yourself, you dumb. ass.” He replied, emphasizing on the lighthearted insult. he hated how latched they’d been on other’s throats lately. Jackson took a moment to breathe before starting again. “You’re my best friend.” he emphasized. “Who I think would do pretty fucking well if he’d just act on fear instead of letting it mentally and emotionally imprison him. For once...” Jackson let out a long defeated sigh, the fierceness behind his words simmering. “I want to see you happy. I mean truly happy being somewhere else other than my living-room floor, drawing and overanalyzing everything. Things as insignificant as the dust particles building on my hand-me-down vase because, still life is important, Jackson.” he mimicked.

 

“Well it is important-”

 

“JAEBUM!” Jackson bellowed, gesturing his hands dramatically in the air. He said his name like he was a grade school teacher, and Jaebum was one of his problem children. It wasn’t so far off - the comparison between Jaebum’s behavior and one of a defiant child. He could admit Jaebum could be a bit depressive these days but not in a completely unbearable, wet-blanket-of-a-person kind of way, and either way he didn’t hate jaebum for that. To be fair all jaebum has ever had was being sad and making it look pretty on whatever he could get a pencil across. Jackson knew that being his friend made it easier for the poor boy to focus on the fact that happiness was achievable. But now they were older, circumstances were different, And jaebum’s recovery wasn’t a loud, pretty distraction and some strawberry milk away anymore.

 

But still yet again. Jackson was exhausted with trying so he just left Jaebum to his preferred lonesome.

 

Before he left out, he said pointedly; “you’re worth so much more to me than what’s happened to you and your fear of what else could happen. You could be as sad and depressive as you want jaebum and I’ll always love you the same just as long as...you stay you. I’m sorry that showing you that isn’t enough anymore.” and slammed the door, ensuring his words really stuck.

And they did. Their meaning and intensity stuck jaebum like a needle. This time the shot of bittersweetness was being injected straight into his heart. In all honesty he didn’t understand what exactly jackson wanted from him.

 

_“You wear your heart on the heels of your feet sometimes jaebum.” He said._

_“What?”_

_“You wear your heart on the bottom of your feet. You just walk all over it.” Jacks smiled at him fondly, like you would a child._

_“Are you trying to be poetic? because you sound really dumb.” Jaebum said._

_“Well then you should be able to understand me just fine then shouldn’t you?.” Jackson gave a smirk._

_“Fuck off.” Jaebum said._

 

 

he never fully understood what Jackson meant by that, why he smiled like that. he hoped he’d figure it out on his way down the street.

 

Truthfully speaking, Jaebum was feeling like the weight of everyone’s beliefs had been sitting on his shoulders for too long now. He had drew, painted, and sketched every possible thing he could to pass the time of day without developing a shitty sleeping pattern. After so long he started feeling like maybe he was wasting himself and his freedom, being sad over things he always seen coming. he was definitely making Jackson’s temperament worse and he felt bad about it. He could make Jackson upset, he could make him cry tears of joy or laughter. He could make Jackson confused and frustrated. He could piss him off in millisecond. But the look in Jackson’s eyes as he left out the door was something he hadn’t seen in 5 years. Sadness, that he was causing in someone other than himself. He snatched a corner off of his sketchbook paper and wrote i’m sorry for stressing you out, I’ll be back later xo, a pathetic attempt at apologizing without having to stick around and make any promises for change, and walked out the door and down to the empty sidewalks with desperation clouding his mind.

For what exactly he wasn’t sure, all he knew was that he didn’t wanna make Jackson sad anymore. He was realizing how much of a parent Jackson was being to him rather than just a friend. He hadn’t done this in a while, been outside by himself. He felt so pathetic and useless even more than he did when he was at home. He was walking to nowhere really and was starting to get anxious with his own lack of care.

 

 

When did he get so glum?

 

When exactly did he start blaming himself for everything wrong and treating life like a punishment. It is he thought. Maybe in the midst of friendship jaebum had forgot that he’d grown up. People and things didn’t throw a blanket of innocence over his eyes when the true ugliness of the world was exposed. Jaebum was a little bit more doe-eyed than people realized, despite the circumstances of his own life he always he had this burning optimism that kept him alive both physically and mentally. But now it was gone and he didn’t even realize it until he saw jackson’s eyes. Maybe the boy was right to constantly make a fuss even if it was proving to become a strain on the relationship between the two.

It was 1:00 in the afternoon but jaebum had morning tiredness that he wanted to shake, he walked up the sidewalk headed towards a familiar coffee shop on the corner of the street. He used to skip mid-day classes here with Jackson for the same morning tiredness. It may of helped jaebum be more comfortable with who he is when he was around people who didn’t always try make a cover story of his dysfunction.

 

What he never noticed was that on the opposite left corner, was a church. What really grabbed his attention was the lettersign perched outfront that read Greater Community Lutheran Church - god speed you on your way. sounded real pretentious and church people-y. What was interesting to Jaebum was the words under those that spelled out _Mural artist needed--will pay!_ in all caps. he froze and closed his eyes tight.

_Pause. What would you gain from this nothing. Just go in the coffee shop and forget you ever looked at that. Church people suck. It was one of them that cursed you and kicked you out, and now you’re burdening your best friend. The coffee shop._

 

He shut off the only working side of his brain and awkwardly sauntered over to the man standing outfront of the church.

 

“Uh, excuse me?” he said, immediately regretting his decision.

 

“Hold on a second,” than man told the older woman he was talking to.”Hi, how can I help you?” the man said cheerfully. Jaebum turned to point to the letter sign and said, “The sign, its says you need an artist. Mural artist. Is..it still open?” he said.

 

“Yes! That sign has been up for a minute and you’re the only one who’s asked, haha. If you’re interested we can definitely make some arrangements for you.”

 

“Well to be honest, this would be my first time actually doing a mural, I’m interested but not completely sure that I can give you what you’re looking for.” Jaebum replied. Strangely enough the man’s smile got bigger.

 

“How could you know whether or not you can give me what I’m looking for if you don’t even know what that is?” the man asked, poking at Jaebum’s obvious insecurity. “Like I said before, that sign, or ad or whatever you choose to call it has been up since before the summer even started. All that time and you’re the first person who asked, and as a believer of god, well I think it’d be pretty foolish of me to not recognize where god works. If you couldn’t do it, he wouldn’t have brought you over here to me just now. So, what do you say son?”

 

It made jaebum think a little bit about how he’d been living lately. His dad left such bitter and deep imprinted marks on him, he walked over here with intention with being rejected not only because of what he’d been shown about religious people as a child, but he just simply felt like here was a place he didn’t belong. He did that with jackson once too and now look at where they are.

 

“Right. So um, what work d-did you need done?” he had to swallow the feeling of fear and anxiety down his throat once again.

 

“You see that quote on the front there right?” Jaebum nodded. “I wanted a picture of god blessing the child, and sending him along his journey to a sin-free, and god fearing life. Eye-catching, but not too boastful. I’m hoping that it can be a little kicker for some of the youth around here. They don’t like hanging around to hear the powerful messages we deliver, so we don’t usually have willing churchgoers around your age or younger. By the way, how old are you?” he asked.

 

“Nineteen.” jaebum said quietly. “I thought so. About a 2 years older than my nephew. He’s a member of the choir and the second youngest. he didn’t have much of a choice though.” The old man laughed and nudged jaebum. He tried to ignore the ominous tone behind that statement and faked a giggle in response. “He practices here 4 days out of the week with the rest of the choir so since you two are so close in age, I’ll let him be the one who shows you around. Before we get to that let just give you some minor preferences.” He said.

Jaebum zoned out. in the middle of discussing the project and how big it might be, a brown haired boy comes into jaebum’s view. He was wearing a burgundy choir gown and black penny loafers and jaebum sort of wondered if he only dressed like that for this sunday occasion or if that was his actual fashion sense. He had a bubbly way about him yet he walked around and talked to people like he knew exactly what he was doing in every situation. I wish I could be like that. Jaebum thought. Sort of sophisticated without having to be a total hard ass. He tensed up when he thought the boy had caught him staring when he noticed the boy was walking his way. “Oh perfect, Youngjae! Come here I want you to meet someone.” _wait._

 

“This is jaebum, he’s going to be painting the mural for us. Jaebum this is my nephew youngjae, who I told you about.” _oh._ Youngjae politely smiled and made sure to initiate contact first. He grabbed Jaebum’s hand firmly and shook it. “Nice to meet you. I’ve never seen your face before, have you just moved in somewhere around?” he asked.

 

Jaebum tried to focus his attention on something else other than the mole under youngjae’s eye or the way it seemed like the sun shined a little bit brighter when he smiled. “Uh, something like that.” he giggled nervously. When youngjae finally let go of his hand he said “Well, either way it’s nice to see a new face for once, hopefully painting the mural can open doors for you being a member of our community. I hope to see you around often, Jaebum.”

 

as rehearsed as that entire line sounded, Jaebum still felt his heart change tempo. Youngjae turned to his uncle and said that he needed help with something regarding placement. “Okay I’ll be right there.” He turned to Jaebum. “So it’s a yes then?” The man asked.

 

He could’ve just said no, and decided that the pressure of this was too much. He thought about jackson, and the unfamiliar sad eyes. He thought about his own future and how if he kept it up, jackson or anything that ever made him happy may not be in it. He thought about the whiplash one single boy just gave him, and made up his mind.

 

 

“When do I start?”

 

 

______________

 

 

After learning how much he’d get paid for this he realized that churches were one, not as modest about their riches as expected, and two, filled to the brim with aggressively overbearing people. He could count on his fingers and toes how many times a day people came over to him asking questions like _Are you new member of greater community? Are you saved? Are you in school? Do you know that jesus loves you and all the rest of his children? Do you ever pray?_

 

after so many he wondered if he should just pretend like he couldn’t hear.

 

He answered every question with a lie and that cheesy _you make me uncomfortable but i’m gonna be subtle about it_ smile. In his mind all he could think about was the things his father said. God’s standards is what had gotten him kicked out of his home and stuck invading jackson’s life. You would think the cultish behaviour and pestering would’ve drove him to madness but every 4 days out of the week Jaebum learned that one thing is true; a single blessing always shined through the darkness. And over his shoulder was a forthcoming blessing, dressed in a robe and those ugly fucking penny loafers.

 

The cramping was starting again so Jaebum put down his brush and took a break to rub his wrist and steal another glance at him. He seemed so gleeful in a place that equates holiness with imprisonment and fear. In that moment he remembered Jackson telling him 5 years ago, how he he put a distance between himself and others before they could themselves, always too sure he wasn’t wanted by people he liked. But he just wasn’t as free spirited as Jackson. Yet still he managed to find the courage to wave with his good hand and say, “Hi youngjae!”

**Author's Note:**

> HEWWO.
> 
>  
> 
> First of all HAPPY NEW YEAR. this is my gift to y’all since I can’t gift my entire audience any like...AirPods or some shit. I’m a little threw off bc of jenkai news cause I didn’t expected but WE SHIP AND WE SUPPORT. I hope my boys haveva cute girlie or boylie they’re snuggling right now. Anyways I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter it took me 5 MONTHS to perfect skdjdjdj please leave a review and if you have any questions leave them in the comments or dm me on Twitter @protectjaebum. 
> 
> I LOVE U


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